My beautiful friend Jessamyn has begun doing something recently that speaks to me, so I have decided to join her in writing 500 words a day for 30 days. My hope is that I will write more than these 500 words, because I have a book to finish… but if nothing else I can come here to spill the things weighing on my mind. Years ago, when my children were in diapers and I was lost deep in the trenches of new motherhood I used to write in my blog almost daily. I spilled every thought and emotion there without hesitation. Unfortunately someone in the church I used to belong to shamed me for my words and the images I would share, and from shame or fear or some other unknown thing, I lost my ability to share so freely. Since then my words have been guarded and carefully selected… I’m not sure how to move past that, but maybe this will be a nice start.
Change is such a tricky thing. I’ve experienced a lot of change lately, some really good, some more difficult. I read the above quote the other day and felt it in my bones to be true.
I think I am doing alright in the loving department. When I love someone, I give everything. I open myself completely, knowing that my heart might get hurt along the way, but hoping and trusting that my heart will be handled with care. As far as living gently goes, I try to approach everything with a gentle heart. A heart that is open and aware of others around me. Several years back some of my friends and I called ourselves “Gentle and Wild”, I loved that so much that I painted the words on small blocks of wood and gifted them to each of those friends. The thing I feel I am struggling with right now, is letting go of the things not meant for me in a graceful manner…
As I said before, when I open my heart to someone I open it completely and fully. This means, when I call you a true friend I mean it down to my bones and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. I’m trying to gracefully let go of some people I have called friend. People I have loved fiercely and brought into my heart… people who for whatever reason no longer need me in their life. These two women are people who have impacted my life in ways I can’t really explain other than to say they changed me, and the distance and silence really feels like a soul wound. It’s deep and wide, a wound with teeth and jagged edges. I’m trying to honor their need for distance, and not let the hollow space behind my ribs swallow me up in grief. Part of me wants to ask what went wrong, how can I fix this? Another part of me feels that the silence is answer enough and I should just learn to let it be. And yet another small part of me wonders if maybe I’m not being ridiculous and hormonal and reading too much into nothing… But I don’t think I am.
And so, this is where I am right now. In this moment. I am trying to live in love with an open heart, and also trying to navigate the waters of hurt and loss. Trying to let those things go that are not meant for me… So, I remind myself that it only hurts because I was so open. And I was only so open because I know that love is what matters. The time I did have with them was a gift, one I wouldn’t give back. So I will learn to be grateful for the pain because it means I haved loved. Deeply.