I missed the full moon.

This probably seems weird to most people.  So what, it’s just a full moon.  But to me it means a lot of things.

I’m not sure if I missed the moon because I wasn’t paying attention, or if part of me was avoiding it on purpose.  The moon was a big thing for me over the last year and maybe part of me wanted to ignore it this time.   Because sometimes when I think about the magic it just hurts and it’s probably easier to ignore.  Let’s say that my River has not been exactly calm lately…

I do not like that I missed the moon.  I also do not like this aching swirl of emotions.  It’s this rollercoaster of joy and gratitude that shifts to tentative hope, and then plummets to disappointment and occasionally fucking despair over things that are entirely out of my control.  Things that were supposed to be different than they are, like anyone ever has control over how things end up, right?  But I’m still naive enough to hope when there’s a big flashing sign in front of me telling me that I need to move on.

People keep asking me, “how are you?” And I’m fine really for the most part.  My day to day life is good.  I have a beautiful life, I love it.  And then they ask me questions I have no answers to and I smile and make something up and then find a way to change the subject. Because that’s easier than trying to answer something I don’t know or understand.

Anyway…  I’m not sure what the point of this post even is, other than I’m trying to get back into the habit of daily writing, and even if it’s vague and boring I’m going to write what I can.  And at the end of this month when the next full moon comes around, maybe I will be out there, ready, making my lists again.  I could use some magic.